Messianic Forum: Personal Stories: Peace Sought and Found


By Marcia Appleton "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." God has had a firm, loving hand on me since I was a small child. For the best part of my late teens and early twenties I chose to ignore Him, but He was always there – waiting patiently for me to turn and view Him as He truly is – omnipotent and majestic, caring and knowing, desiring to be all things to me. Childhood I was born into a Jewish family which was more traditional than religious. For the most part, I was quiet and obedient as a youngster but I always had a deep yearning for a love that would never let me go. There was a void in my life; indeed a specific need for a personal God. One word I do remember hearing very often. It was "Mashiach." I recall vividly, coming home from school one day to ask, “What is God?” The answer I received is with me to this day and I praise Him for that. My mother told me, “God is everywhere. He is in this room, He is in your heart, and with Him you will never be alone.” Only a living, merciful God could know how much that particular child needed those very words. In public school, I have the memory of being taught some Bible stories, but mainly I remember standing up with the rest of the class and singing freely, “Jesus loves me,” all the while feeling quite confident that He did! (As I did not learn that I was Jewish until I was about seven years old, I had absolutely no inhibition about doing this.) I felt the same kind of love when our entire family gathered to visit my mother’s parents who lived in another city. My maternal grandmother was an Orthodox Jewess. She was stern but loving and I cherish the times I spent with her. She spoke little English. Having been born in Eastern Europe, she had been forced to flee with her husband and children from the pogroms which raged there. Consequently most of what I learned from her was from her actions: they spoke loudly and clearly. One word I do remember hearing very often. It was “Mashiach.” While I was too young to understand then, I realize now that she revered God deeply. In fact, her ways indicated strongly that she was waiting and praying to see the Messiah one day. I was an only child until the age of ten. I was often lonely and prayed fervently for a baby brother. That prayer was answered and for almost four years I was extremely happy. Disillusionment Then misfortune struck and I became ill with an ailment, the cause of which is obscure to this day. So little is known about it that for over a decade I was treated for something with similar symptoms, yet quite different from my illness. Through those years I went from specialist to specialist, knowing deep down in my heart that something was wrong. My strength was growing less, my disease worse. It was a vicious circle. I failed to understand how a just, righteous God could allow all this to happen! Also during this difficult time, in an all-out search for “health and happiness” I made serious mistakes and encountered some major disappointments. Although my belief in God as a child and adolescent was very strong, I could now sense all my feeling for Him ebbing away as my life became increasingly miserable. I failed to understand how a just, righteous God could allow all this to happen! It was gradual, but eventually I lost faith completely. With all my hopes shattered, I became hard and bitter, ceasing to care about anyone or anything. I kept going downhill physically and emotionally. A Ray of Hope Then a miracle happened! The God I had forsaken made a never-to-be-forgotten impression on my life. A doctor’s name came to my attention highly recommended by a relative. I had heard of this man just one year before, but chose not to see him then. Now I made an appointment at his earliest convenience. The day I was to see this man I awoke totally void of feeling. I had always been afraid of doctors so my pulse should at least have been rapid as I prepared to go to the appointment, but no, I felt nothing. I had not felt that way before and I have not felt like that since. I had no way of knowing it then, but I see now that God undertook to prepare my heart for what was to be. When I saw his small, unpretentious office I felt a tiny flutter in my heart. His secretary was warm and kind but not effusive. I dared to feel a ray of hope. My appointment time was for mid-afternoon. Precisely at the set hour, the doctor opened his consulting room door to escort a patient out. He did not see me then, but what I observed moved me deeply. The man’s hair was silvery like a sage’s, he was dressed in a navy-blue suit, not a white lab coat! And there was something angelic about his face. I knew immediately that this man would help me and he did. My ailment was correctly diagnosed and medication changed. But considerable damage had been done physically, both by mistreatment and neglect. I was about to embark on a long siege of hospital and surgery and I was all alone. I asked Him, "Where is my Messiah? I NEED Him." I now knew that there was a God and I turned to Him. Without surgery I would die and I had an overwhelming fear of any kind of operation. By the grace of God, during this time of shock and fear, a new medicine became available that would tide me over until surgery was possible. I prayed daily to God for help. Only once, but from the depths of my heart, I asked Him, “Where is my Messiah? I NEED Him.” My knowledge was wanting and I had mistakenly assumed that all Gentiles are Christians. The doctors who were attending me at the time possessed qualities that I felt were decidedly Christian and I longed to have these traits. I began to think seriously about some of the aspects of Christianity that I knew to be true, having learned in my own home that Jesus was a Jew. More often than not, it was daybreak before my mind cleared of many thoughts and queries so that I might sleep. One daybreak was notably different from all the rest. I was fairly relaxed, just unable to sleep. Suddenly, the plain truth came to me that our people are awaiting the Messiah and that the Christians are expecting Christ to return! That very instant I knew for certain that the two are one and the same Person. Hallelujah! What a perfect revelation. I remember feeling as though a giant puzzle had just fallen into place. A beautiful calm settled in my heart and I drifted off to sleep. My Quest Continued However, this was not the end of my spiritual struggle. My Jewish traditional heritage had a very strong hold on me. I had been brought up to believe that the Jewish people were hated and persecuted because of the very Messiah I had just found. Out of ignorance I assumed that if I accepted Him I would cease to be Jewish and yet deep in my heart I knew that this could never be. But our Almighty Father was hearing my cry and now when I prayed I felt that the Lord Jesus Christ heard me too. As the need for surgery became acute, my abnormal fear disappeared, thanks be to God. During an extended time of illness, surgery and recuperation, Out of ignorance I assumed that if I accepted Him I would cease to be Jewish. I longed to learn from His Word. I had struggled to read the Old Testament but did not understand it. It conveyed no logical meaning or significance whatever. I was dismayed. I had grown up entirely without the Word of God and thought the Old Testament would feed my undernourished spirit. As a gift, I received a complete Bible – both Old and New Testaments. It was an effort but I began to look at the New Testament. There came one very dark and unsettling time in the hospital when I did not know how I was going to get through the night. I had been corresponding with a young woman who is a Hebrew-Christian and I knew in my heart of hearts that she was the only person who would understand my situation. I had no way of reaching her other than by mail and I needed her that very day! At nine o’clock in the evening, just at the close of visiting hours there was a knock at my door. To my utter amazement and delight it was this child of God. An understanding nurse allowed her to spend some time with me and thus the Lord gave me sustenance to carry on. We began a firm friendship and she was ready, willing and able to answer all the questions I put to her. But the adversary of our souls was fighting his battle and I began to rationalize that I was merely off on an “emotional tangent.” But God took care of that notion for me. Suddenly I was surrounded by a number of true, born-again believers. One isolated incident stands out in my mind. The night following a major operation, while I was still immobile, a special nurse came on the evening shift. She approached my bed, leaned over me, and said gently, “God loves you.” I did not know whether to be flabbergasted or upset. My first thought, absurd as it seems now, was that my Hebrew-Christian friend had sent her! That proved quite untrue and the realization that I could not “run away” set in. I felt free to ask her even more delicate questions than I had put to my friend. I am thankful that she confirmed what had already been told to me. I could not be upset any longer. I began to read God’s Word daily and intently, praying for insight and perception as I read. Peace At Last “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him…” (Revelation 3:20). That verse moved my heart so that I could not ignore it. I prayed to know the truth and now it was staring at me in bold print. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” (John 14:6). I came to the painful realization that I knew in my heart what the Truth was but that I was afraid and ashamed to admit it. God gave me life and I owe my all to Him. I was afraid of people – their reactions, that I’d be ostracized or ridiculed. The Lord Jesus was scorned and died for our sins; indeed He shed His precious blood so that we might have Eternal Life, yet I could not think of that. I could only worry about my hurt, my fear, my life. But I had come to grips with the plain fact that it is not my life at all. God gave me life and I owe my all to Him. I knelt by my bed and asked Christ into my heart, not fully understanding salvation but knowing for certain that He was my expected Messiah. As I continued to prayerfully read and study God’s Word, His Holy Spirit began to instruct me about Jesus’ perfect atonement on the cross for my sin. I thanked God for my redemption and yielded fully to His Authority, receiving Christ as my Saviour and my Lord. I finally experienced true peace with God. Years ago, while still in my teens, one noted specialist had told me that what I needed for my ailment was “peace and quiet.” That sounded fine, but he did not tell me where to find it. Now, in an Old Testament prophecy I read the promise of Isaiah 9:6: “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” I marvel daily that God enabled me to see my need of salvation and then to accept His Son as my Saviour. As long as He permits, it will be my joy to tell others of my people what He has done for me, and it is my prayer that they, too, will find eternal peace through Christ. ...Back to Personal Stories		Search In: Search Using: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
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